me

Don't you hate those moments where you feel so incredibly lost? Lately, I've been feeling so distant from the world. As if the ground were so far away from me. I feel almost stuck in mud, not able to get out without feeling so dirty. Times like this I feel like I have no option but to doubt myself and everything around me. I hate this feeling, I hate wanting to sleep all day because it's the only way to rid my worries. I wonder what it would feel like to be so stress free,I wonder what it would feel like to live somewhere where you feel safe, somewhere you don't feel burdened and anxious all the time.

I guess something positive I can take away from this is that I should continue to study and reach my goals. Become a dentist and buy my mom a home, so she doesn't have to live everyday on eggshells. But here comes my doubt, the ongoing voice in my head telling me I won't make it. Or the negativity from people around me, making me feel worthless. I struggle with this a lot, and the only way to make myself feel better is to write away my worries. Write away everything on my mind. But then the delete button appears and I want to erase everything because I am too embarrassed to put my hurt on the internet.

Sometimes I dream too much, I dream of every situation. I dream of moving out of my home and finding an apartment. Yet silly old me doesn't even have a credit card. I dream of telling my mom that we should move, which is never going to happen. I dream of decorating my non-existent room. I dream of showering in my new bathroom, and getting ready for dinner in the city. I dream so much it hurts not to. If I think realistically, my heart just aches so much, its better to fantasize. I want to fast forward my life yet enjoy every moment. It's a battle I don't quite understand.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else feel anxious everyday? Does anyone else crave peace? I just want to sit on my bed and not have to worry. I really wish things were different.