Thursday

I wanted to share some pieces of writing I've meant to publish but haven't yet. I guess sometimes words mean so much yet so little at the same time.

Translators

Can you believe we are our own translators? Everything on my mind is being written on paper or typed onto a screen. Right now you aren’t listening to my voice, you’re reading my thoughts. The unspoken thoughts, which sometimes sound better than my spoken words. I think we all get lost in translation. Did you mean to say that? Or are you speaking faster than you are thinking? Maybe that’s why I’m so quiet at times. I have an entire dialogue going on in my head and I’m waiting for the perfect moment to share what I have to say.

Guilt

Do you ever feel an insane amount of guilt, but you haven’t done anything? Almost like the feeling of being buried alive. It strangely creeps up on you when you least expect it. This doesn’t exactly mean I am feeling “sad” at the moment, but there is something trying to bug me. Do you know the feeling when you’re crying and your throat becomes heavy? That’s what this awful guilt feels like. It can wake you up at night and put you to sleep during the day. Do you relate? Guilt without reasoning?

It's weird how silence can be disturbed without any movement.

Strangers

I think there’s beauty in sitting around strangers. Every stranger is you. And you are every stranger. They will never know what I am feeling, nor what I want to say at the moment. The perfect escape sometimes isn’t being with familiar faces, but with strangers who will never know why the tear is slipping down your face. Maybe once in a while, you’ll meet a kind soul who will ask what’s wrong, maybe that someone is me? We will have to find out.

Bus Ride

On my bus ride, I guess I’ll write my feelings down. Today was unexpected but somewhat needed. Sometimes it’s hard to explain when happiness merges with insecurity. I don’t really understand how to present things the way they need to be, or maybe I just tell myself that. It’s almost like I am so aware I try to hide everything because I know it’s not real. Maybe that’s better than not knowing what’s wrong.? Sorry for boring everyone with another letter of self-pity.  Here’s a song lyric I feel like explains what I feel.

“ It’s hard to deal with everything I’m ignoring”

“ Sometimes I feel alone hiding my secrets you need to know “

Friendship

If embarrassed is an understatement I don’t really know what to say. I have a feeling of resentment towards myself for not being the best possible friend I could have been. I think I created a distance and I don’t know how to mend it. I hope they don’t view me differently, If anything I hope they understand me. If time is what creates a division, I hope I didn’t spend too much of it.

Maybe I am being dramatic. Maybe they aren’t upset at me, but more so confused. I can deal with confusion, not frustration. I really hope I didn’t ruin a friendship I cherished so much. I guess this is what happens when I don’t focus on reality. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, or even if I’m being the most dramatic person on earth right now. Just know I feel terrible for not being a good friend. I hope you understand.